Army wife life

Car slides up a ramp - off from the highway - stops behind a sign and turns to the left. Road continues to the woods, starts winding and getting more narrow by each kilometer driven. Radio pumps some music into the little Mini Cooper and different sorts of feelings are present in that vehicle which slows its' speed for each curve. 

Passing horses, meadows and a few buildings we start getting near the military base. The woods get closer to the road and the big countryside houses disappear somewhere behind. The yellow sign that tells about the area being used for the training of the Finnish navy soldiers shows up on the left side. I squeeze Arno's hand hard. Trying to use the last minutes well. We talk. Mostly about nothing, or something that keeps the thoughts somewhere away from the fact that our time together is coming to an end. Again. I carefully lay my forehead on his solder. The green uniform smells like a warehouse to me but I don't care, I just take it all in. 

My sweetheart turns the car around the corner, slides slowly to the parking lot and stops. When the engine  is turned down we both take deep breaths before opening our doors and standing up. The  air feels fresh, the sun is going down, and the last rays warm up my right cheek. I walk around the car and watch as Arno lifts the heavy backpack on his shoulders. I bite my lip. He buckles the green bag around his chest and I make sure that the fabric isn't wrinkled and rubbing his upper body. Looking into the dark brown eyes staring back at me I pull the jacket down so that his name tag shows up. Trying to make the moment last just a little longer. But I can't stop the time. The sun is going down and clock ticking. Arno will need to start walking soon. I am not allowed to come any further. Nor am I allowed to hug him. Arno has been told that soldiers don't show feelings, soldiers don't be close, soldiers act like soldiers. But we hug. Tight. We tell each other to take care. To have a nice week. Trying to convince each other - and ourselves - that it's gonna be just a few days, it's gonna go fast. I smile wistfully. Arno slides his fingers down my arm and without anyone seeing he lifts my hand up and gives a little kiss on the back of my hand. "I love you" he says. I tell him that I love him too, that he needs to remember that. Trying to hold his fingertips just a few seconds longer as he starts slowly walking backwards I feel like letting go is so hard. And we let go. He smiles and waves to me, making a funny face. I laugh a little and wave back. He turns around and starts walking through the parking lot like the other army green men around. I open the car door and sit on the driver's seat. I sit there and watch as Arno walks through the gates and behind the corner, counting his steps as he goes. I exhale, slide my feet in, close the door, start the car and reverse. Turning from the parking lot the gates disappear from my rear mirror. I turn the radio on high and start driving home.

This has been our reality for almost two months now. This is how every Sunday night ends. Too fast, too soon. Driving away it feels like I just picked him up from the base. As I did. Usually on a Friday night around 5 pm when they are let free. That means we have a little over 50 hours time together. On a good week. Sometimes they are not let out for the weekend. Sometimes they are held until Saturday night and that gives us approx 26 hours before he needs to be returned to the base around 9 pm on a Sunday night. 

Just to sum it up the military was not really his/our choice. It was a must. As said, military (or an equivalent civil service) is a must for all the 18-25 years old Finnish boys. It's usually either half a year, 9 months or a whole year, depending on what you are signed to do. Your duty depends on your health, skills, attitude, (the position of the stars) and what the sarges and people above you think about you - you can of course make a wish. But in Arno's case he needs to get through the military service to become a pilot in Finland. It's not that you would need the skills taught in the service, but that the pilot school doesn't want drop outs and will question why you did skip it, are you not stable enough or so. Laabalaa. Anyways. Arno wanted to get through it fast, preferably in 6 months because it is not a party. Especially for a person that has dual nationality, half of his relatives and friends abroad, loves to travel (which the military doesn't allow during the service), wants to work, earn money, study or get on with his life (when you are in the army you are quite stuck and don't get paid more than ~5€/day - to cover a pack of smokes, luckily Arno doesn't smoke). And it is quite hard both physically and mentally - you are far away from your family, friends and partner. I can't say I know really how rough it is, I have never been, (tho I thought for a long time I would go) but I see how it affects on people and now I am writing from my perspective or what I have heard from Arno. He will tell you more, once he has time.

So the questions burning on everyone's lips nowadays in any family or friend get together: 

How are we doing, how does it all affect on our relationship? My answer: We are fine. We are good, very good actually. The first few days were the hardest and the first two weeks felt the longest. But Arno has taken it better than I ever thought he would and I feel positive. But still off course it does affect. You can see it in Arno's eyes when he sits on his bed on a Sunday night, staring at the uniform in his hands and shaking his head. Him telling me he doesn't want to go back, he doesn't want to be there anymore. To be yelled at or told what to do from 6 am to 10 pm. To be told that he is not allowed to speak out or say anything against. To be told not to share his feelings like that because it's not soldierly. To be forced to do things again and again even though he did them right on the first time but someone in his troop was playing fool. To not be sick all the time because of the mold in the old base buildings. To eat bad food with poor nutrition when back home he loves cooking with fresh ingredients. To not be able to have his own space while sleeping in the same room with 11 other guys snoring all night. Or his hair or beard that he has felt are a big part of his identity. To not be in control of his own life. And most of all to not be able to have any other life than the one in the base or see his loved ones. You can see it in my eyes as I try hold back tears because he is so far away when I would need him the most - and there is noting either of us could do about it. There are 50 km and a big closed gate to the military area in between us. But nothing can stop us from making our relationship work, keeping in contact and loving each other - not gates nor kilometers, that we have proved during the times we lived in different countries.

So how do we make it work? We had our ways for sure, we always did. As said living in distance is not a new thing for us. We always came up with ways. So let me share few of our secrets... In the beginning when we were still just friends and Arno had just moved to Albania, we were talking everyday and missing each others company as it felt like we shared the same lifestyle no one else really understood - feeling out of place, in a country you had just moved in. I made a dozen of "Open when..." -letters (Open when you feel like you are not good enough, Open when you feel sad, Open when it's New Years eve, Open when you miss Finnish candy, Open when you can't sleep, Open when you are sick, etc etc..) and mailed them to him for Christmas. I kept making those silly letters even after he returned and through the whole time we have been dating now. And those kind of letters I have given him to take to the base. Letters he can read in his bunk when it feels like the walls are falling in. It might feel silly to someone else but it has a different meaning for us. I know how he didn't want to join the army and as we were many times both being really down, sad and hopeless about the whole thing I made him a promise that as he needs to go I will make everyday as easy for him as I possibly could. 

Besides the letters I started creating these so called "Army-survival-packages". One for every week. They are usually little gift backs filled with different things. I buy him his favorite candies or other snacks he can have in the base, hot chocolate, energy drinks, Coca Cola and - of course - NUTELLA. I have brought him a cap that he can wear because he wants to cover his hairless head, comfortable socks he can use in his not-too-well-fitting military boots to not get bruises, a new sweatshirt to keep him warm since the Autumn is coming and good quality razor blades to keep his beard short and skin as healthy as possible when he needs to shave it everyday. I have given him a jar filled with 130 paper kisses, in each one of them is written down a reason why I love him, so there is one kiss and reason for every day he has left in the service, and a few Hershey's chocolate kisses for the really bad days. I've send him a distant hug in an envelope. Last weekend he got two tickets for an Airplane show and there we went to spend an awesome night together. It was so sweet to see him so super excited and thrilled about all the planes and pilot stuff - like a little boy on a Christmas morning. And I had a blast too, super fun and interesting. 

But yeah, I know he doesn't need things, the navy provides him all the clothing, food, shelter and stuff he is supposed to get. He has told me that I don't have to buy him anything. But I want to help, I want to make it easier for him. I try to be present in his everyday life as much in any way I can. And if buying him a little extra candy bars or a cute cap that he loves now so much brings even a little light to his day, to me it's worth every penny. And he likes the packages! And it's not just me giving him things, he keeps surprising me too. For example after a stressful day at work he picked me up, held me when I cried my eyes out feeling super emotional about everything. Then he pulled out a peanut butter jar he had bought for me (he loves Nutella, I am more of a PB kinda girl). And later on when we finally got to a restaurant, ate and were sitting down he told me he'd go order an ice cream for himself because he can not have that in the base. And he came back with ice cream, two spoons and a coffee latte for me. So cute!

Is it annoying or hard to be in a long distance relationship? Okay so everyone who has ever had a long distance relationship, has been an army wife or something, knows how it's not a walk in a park. I like to think about destiny and reason for all the things to happen - on some level - especially as we have gone through a lot. It was never clear that one day we would become a couple. And for sure it was never just about destiny. It was about hard work, patience and will. It was about us being in this together and fighting for it. Putting some extra effort. That's what it is now again. It's about not giving up because there are days that are - pardon my languages - bullshit. There has been moments - emergencies - when I have needed him more than ever before. When I have told him to call me asap because I needed him desperately and he wasn't allowed to do it until 8 hours later. There has been nights I have been feeling hopeless and sad and he isn't even allowed to write me a few words to calm me down. There has been days I have been waiting for him to come home in the morning and he wasn't allowed to even inform me that he will be let off in the evening and I have been just waiting and waiting with table reservations for a restaurant. Or days that I know include some dangerous toxic or shooting practices and I haven't heard from him for the whole day, can't reach him no matter what I try. And I become to worry so much that it just takes over my whole concentration. Days that he is feeling down and still being yelled at (about things that aren't even his fault) and it kills me to know that there is no one he can talk about it until he gets home for the weekend. I feel bad when I visit the base and see him - my sensitive, wise, talented - boyfriend been told to run around, forced to stand still with a heavy backpack or gun for hours, without moving an inch. It feels hard not to be allowed to touch him, hug him or hold his hand when we see each other on the base - just because soldiers don't do so. It makes me worried when he can't completely recover from a flew because he is not allowed to sleep enough, needs to run, march, crawl in woods or camp outside. Or have him come home with a dozen of bruises or pain in his shoulders. And what hurts me the most is that there is nothing I can do to make it stop. I can't come over and march his marches or carry his backpack. Trust me, I would if I could!

It was never our worry that we wouldn't make it. No matter how long or how hard, we knew and know we will make it through every day and come out stronger than we ever where. It is hard. Damn it is hard at times. But still there is so much to be happy about. So much that makes me smile that it makes it all worth it. And even if it's rough, most of the time - even when we can't be together - I am happy, it feels bearable. I wouldn't trade him to anyone else, he never needs to worry about that, and I make sure he knows that everyday. Because I would choose a little time with him over a lot of time with anyone else - anytime. But we need to keep remembering each other everyday. And how it's hard for the both of us. And do some extra for each other. For example I let him have his space and time even as it often means less time for us. If he has an hour or two off in the evening, we talk and he wants to end the call 20 minutes earlier to listen to music or to watch Netflix, I let him do that without making him feel bad about it. If he wants to see his friends and family during the weekends, I let him go (or drive him) without complaining that I need him to be more with me. We both love driving, but I will let him drive my mom's car always when he is home because I know how much it means to him, how much it relaxes him. I let him cook whatever he wants to or pay for the more expensive orange juice for the Saturday brunch because I know how 4 euros in my budget feels way less than in his. I try to be close to my phone as much as possible during the hours I know he can text me. I don't complain about the army talk because I know it's his life now - even if some things there are hard for me to understand. I keep asking and listening to learn more and being interested in his life there. I try to bite my tongue when I feel sad or angry about him having to suddenly rush to a camp, knowing I can't hear from him until tomorrow. As I want to just pour all my anger to someone I just try to remember that if I feel bad about something, to him it probably feels way worse. So in those situations I will tell him to take care, to have a good night in a tent and I will be right here when he comes back. 

So yeah. It's a lot of trying to be better or act wiser to make it easier for the other one - compromising. And he does the same for me. He knows how I worry about him so he doesn't want to worry me, he always texts me asap when he can, even just something short just to let me know that he is fine. He tells me good morning and good night every day. He listens to my endless talking about my new job or what I bought from the grocery even if it would take almost the whole phone call. He helps me with my problems, daily struggles like finding the right bus, gives advice with paperwork, makes breakfast when I'm late. He comes shopping with me, doesn't complain about hanging with my friends and invites me to hang out with his family and friends. Drives to my house to snuggle in with me even though it would mean for him to wake up at 6 am to return the car. He understands that it is hard for me at times too, he doesn't panic or yell at me if I get sad or mad - he listens, talks, hugs and tells me everything is going to be fine. And he still does not take me for granted. He works as hard - if not harder - for us to stay us. He is my boyfriend, my best friend, my rock, everyday.

Are there any good things in the military service? In my point of view it is not necessary to pull young men out of their lives to complete the military. Yes, for some it gives some direction or purpose in their lives, but for some it just holds them back from getting on with studies, work or living. In my mind it's not fair until all women need to do the same, until so we can not say things are equal for both genders. If it is a must, it should be a must for everyone, boy or girl. And I think no one should be told to do things against their own will. I think I am as equal as people in other countries. I don't believe in wars. And if there was a war, I would not be the one to shoot someone, to decide may someone else die for me to live. So no one should be forced to kill. I have a lot of European, American, African, Asian and Australian friends and family. I would not want to be trained for 12 months to be prepared to hurt them if told. No. You are free to disagree with me, it's my opinion.

Of course I feel safe knowing that we have an army, well trained to do also some other things than kill people in a war. They learn useful things like first aid and taking care of others and themselves and so on. I am so proud standing next to my boyfriend in a military celebration. I am happy that he can make new friends and is very liked there. He does things well and fast, gets credit about them, gets noticed and told that he is really good - and that builds his confidence. I know he will come out strong minded and we will become stronger than we ever were. We appreciate each others company more again, every minute feels so precious when we don't get to see that much. We barely fight, being together feels easier when all the unnecessary things don't get to annoy. I get time alone or with friends during the weeks. And the feeling on a Friday night when I see my sweetheart walking out the gates.. 

And for anyone who is wondering: We just heard last week that Arno's service will last 6 months. So he will be home for Christmas! Best Christmas present ever! And what's planed for Christmas? I will tell you soon enough! But now, we are taking it day buy day, living from one weekend to the next. 46 days down, 119 still to go.

This post wasn't easy to write. It took me a lot of thinking, three nights of writing, five coups of tea and so many tears. So here I am sitting on my bed with my stuffed elephant Arno bought me from South Africa and wishing it would be Friday night already...

Thanks to all the people who have helped me carry my heavy heart. Thanks to my friends who are or have been in the same situation, know what I am going through and listen to me always. Thanks to my parents for always loaning me the car when I need it and not complaining if I forgot to tank on the way back from the base. Thanks to Arno's parents, friends, relatives and grandma for supporting him and caring for him, he needs you to be there for him! Thanks to my friends, "relatives" and relatives for inviting my sweetheart to all the parties! Thanks to my employers for understanding and letting me take time of to be with him!

Big hugs,